All That I Know Is I'm Breathing
by llivla
Summary: Post-manga. Where Naruto has PTSD and intimacy issues, Sakura deals with the fact that Naruto will never love her, and Sai doesn’t think feeling human is worth it.


Summary: Post manga, and everyone's screwed up. In which Naruto has PTSD and intimacy issues, Sakura deals with the fact that Naruto will never love her, and Sai doesn't think feeling human is worth it.

Rating: none

Warning: omg spoilers wtf; aaaaangst; the usual 'almost but not quite and soooo intense' Sasuke x Naruto

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"I…" He looked at them all like he didn't quite believe what he was trying to say.

Sakura ran until she was right in front him, cautious and bloody, hands raised like she was afraid he would fall without anyone to catch him…and that he'd fall right through her, dead after all. "Naruto."

"I'm _free._" He breathed out, looking at Sakura like he'd never seen anything quite like her.

They all stared at him.

"The-The Kyuubi—he's _gone_. I can't even…I, I can't…" A hysterical smile was spreading all over his face. His eyes blanked for a few seconds before coming back. "There's nothing there, I'm inside my head and there's no one there but me!" His body was shaking; Naruto had lowered his face so none could see it. "There's nothing there, there's no evil presence, no heart but my own!" His shoulders hunched forward, shaking. He looked like a tired old man, instead of a victorious warrior teen--a hero.

"Oh _Naruto,_" Sakura trembled out, taking the last few step to touch him. At her contact Naruto's legs gave out. She caught his hands as their knees hit the ground. They cried and she held onto him, making soothing sounds as she half-cradled him. Her hands slid up his shaking biceps as his clutched her shoulders tightly, as if he wasn't sure whether he needed her closer or farther away. It was unbearably…private, intimate. "It's all over. It's all over."

"D-dammit!" Naruto choked out, "Dammit!"

She pulled him close until her head was buried in his chest. "We're all okay. We're all okay."

He held her fiercely, stilling, and Sai could see Naruto's tired, tired, sad face. He saw the blankness in his eyes, and wondered if Naruto was running down the hall in his mind, searching for the empty cage of the evil demon, but from of the sounds of it neither of which was there anymore.

_I'm free. _

Naruto looked right at him completely lucid and yet…not. Because he didn't seem to recognize Sai at first. At least, Sai didn't believe the emotion in those eyes was meant for him.

Then it hit Sai all at once. He looked around, but found that Sasuke and his group had departed without their notice.

Ever since then, Naruto had been in a state of shock. He hadn't spoken a word to anyone.

When they reached Kohona he'd suddenly broken away from their group. Lee called after him but Naruto didn't even pause, just his back quickly growing smaller. Sakura made a move to go after him but Jiraiya told her to be still.

_"But…where's he going?" _

_"The loss of Gaara is extremely painful to Naruto," Kakashi said softly, hands in his pockets as he looked forward. "That is another respected brother Naruto has lost." He paused, his eye tracking Naruto's movements. If anyone could see what Kakashi was, they would see Naruto pounding on the door of the shrine house. "He is going to temple." _

_" Temple?" _

_"To perfrom a Kokubetsushiki. For his warrior brother. It is not one typically held at a shrine but…" Naruto slipped through the gestured open door. "I have a feeling there can be an exception."  
_

Sai didn't sleep now in his hospital bed like he'd been instructed to. He had slipped out, and was meditating on the hospital roof, wondering if this was the part about all these emotions Danzo had been right about.

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Sakura couldn't sleep.

It was odd, being back in her own bed, rather than sleeping in shifts in trees or on the ground. By all logic, her bed should feel wonderful. She should have passed out the second her head hit the feathered pillow.

And here she was, staring at the ceiling, because it wasn't the same without Naruto, Lee, or even Kakashi there with her, protecting each other. A team. A family.

She thought of Sai. She sat up, arms wrapped around her knees and staring at the bed, thinking.

She hadn't even sensed Sasuke leave.

She knew he had been watching them when Naruto first reappeared again since the Akatsuki leader had taken Naruto on and tried to suck the demon out through her friend's mouth. Naruto must have fought him off, because the only way one could live was if the other was alive as well. And yet...

_The Kyuubi is dead. _

Her hands fisted around her tissues.

Meaning…at some point during that battle…Naruto had died too. Her shoulders trembled. Her boys…

And Sasuke was gone. Again. He and Naruto had only regarded the other in that powerful silent way Sakura was quickly attributing as something exclusive she had stopped being apart of long ago. She remembered that girl with the odd hairstyle—Karin—stomping her foot behind Sasuke but he'd ignored her. When she did it again Sasuke without looking at her told her to be quiet. It made Sakura feel somewhat smug to see that surprised look on her face, and that unbroken communication between Sasuke and Naruto. They might have even been saying something in Naruto's mind—Sasuke might have activated his newly acquired Mankeyon from killing his brother. And the look on Naruto's face…

Her eyes saddened. When she looked at Sasuke she saw a monster. One that made her recoil more than the Kyuubi ever did. A heartless, cruel monster that she wanted to protect Naruto from. But Naruto…like he couldn't believe that his life was finally doing what he wanted most.

And what he wanted most was Sasuke in front him, breathing.

And when he reached out and hesitantly put a hand on Sasuke's arm, Sasuke actually gave a private, barely visable smile.

And now Sasuke was gone again.

She realized she was standing now. She blinked, and turned to look at her clock. Two in the morning. She turned away from it, thinking. But really, she had already decided, hadn't she? She slipped out her bedroom, down the stairs and out without waking her henning parents.

_Why worry about me? I'm fine, I… What happened to me is nothing compared to what happened to my boys…  
_

She sped down the street to Naruto's apartment, a tear or two running down her face.

And then she caught the words, broken and confused and bitter: Empty. Emptyemptyempty…

"I'm alone," he hissed out. His fists lashed suddenly, punching the tree, oblivious to her presence.

_"The Kyuubi is gone, Naruto." _

_I want to believe more… _

_"I…I'm free." _

_But… _

His pants were harsh, bitter, angry, _lonely. _"D-Dammit."

Her heart broke as he punched the tree again. Oh Naruto...She swallowed, ready to break the silence as he suddenly became aware of her standing behind him. She steadied herself, and then spoke.

"Um…" she curled her hair behind her ear. "When...when I was little, I used to have a lot of nightmares. Horrible, graphic, and you're six so you don't know what to do, you know? And, when she heard me crying, my mom…she would get into bed and sleep with me, saying that she would protect me."

Naruto stilled, his grip against the bark lessoning as he listened.

Sakura licked her dry lips before going on. "What was most terrifying wasn't waking up the first time alone. It was when a second nightmare hit. I'd roll over to shake her and…she wasn't there. She'd assumed I was asleep and went back to bed but… The impression of her body was there, yes, it was still warm. But she wasn't. And it felt like something should be there, but there wasn't. Like a ghost, a phantom limb. There was only emptiness." She looked up, eyes shimmering with tears to find that Naruto had stood up and was staring at her. "That was what was worse."

"Sakura-chan…"

_All that I know is I'm breathing… _

The tears were too much; everything was too much. She burst into tears and didn't bother to wipe them away. She came at Naruto crying and threw her arms around him, sobbing. Naruto stiffened at first in shock. Then, slowly, after she buried her sobbing voice in his chest, she felt his arms awkwardly go to hug her back. And that made her cry too, that Naruto hadn't been hugged, loved, often enough to hug another person unless it was to suffocate them. "Sakura-chan…"

"I know…" she sobbed. "That I will never be your best friend." _The person you want more than anything. _She felt his chin raise to stare down at her, felt him shake, his hands tighten into fists at the sides of her waist. " I know that I am not the person you really want here right now. And… I know that you feel like you've failed. Again." She hugged him more fiercely, her heart breaking, before pulling away just enough to look up at him. "But Naruto!" She said fiercely. "_You _will… _always…_be mine."

Naruto's eyes were so wide they could pop out. And her tears continued to fall, because those eyes were so broken by the past few years, and _she couldn't fix him_. She couldn't help him with a nin justu, stick some herbs and make him all better. She couldn't punch anyone for a quick fix, a comic relief to make them forget forever.

_All that I know is I'm breathing… _

He started to say her name again, shaking, but couldn't finish. She closed her eyes, forehead falling against his shoulder. "I can't even say to you that it'll be all right, and have it be the truth," she whispered.

It wouldn't be all right…

Because Sasuke wasn't _here_.

_All we can do is keep breathing… _

She thought, I know that the Kyuubi was killing you. I know that Sasuke is killing you, that he takes you with him every time. I know that...without either of them, somehow it's so wrong for you. I know I can't be the one you want… her shoulders slumped. I'll never be able to fill you up. Because…after all…

I'm a woman.

I'm your sister.

I'm _alive_ inside.

But mostly…

_All we can do is **keep breathing**…  
_

…I'm not Sasuke.

_now…_

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credit to Ingrid Michaelson for the song. you decide if the metaphor of a nightmare and missing parent/limb is for the kyuubi...sasuke...or both. No, Sasuke's not done with Naruto; in this one shot he just kept to himself. I like post-time skip Mother!Sakura, worrying about her two lost boys. The Kyuubi _was_ always there; Naruto's never experienced a moment in his life without it. I'm not going to explain what exactly happened as it was in Sakura's conclusion and her POV in this was limited. Her only logical conclusion for the Kyuubi's absence is that Naruto _must _have temporarily died...and come back. Forbidden jutsu by Sasuke, maybe...::shrugs::


End file.
